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Writ_Rev by slashaholic-666

Written Things by colleenxcatalina


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November 5, 2009
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I look at all the lonely people,
And what do I see?
I see the loner sitting in the corner.
I see the stoner passed out on the floor.
I see the person contemplating suicide with a gun to his head.
I see the nice guy who was waiting for his friend through the cold harsh night.
Freezing himself to death on the bench cold and tired.
What I see are the people who need to be with somebody.
But aren't because they can't.
People don't want them.
People don't listen to them.
People use them.
I look at all the lonely people.
And I see you and me.
Just some words on the paper. it isnt about any one so please no freaking out ^^ Thank you.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Hey guys. this is a poem i wrote because i remembered the loneliness i felt before i got my girl. Also i was listening to the song "The Bird and The Worm" by The Used. I want to know what you think of the tone, is it too dark or is it too light for this loneliness, and then the sudden change in the last line of the poem, is that too sudden, and just normal you know "I liked this" or "You could have done this" is welcome too.
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:iconbloodonmyhands25:
Bloodonmyhands25 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
Amazing.
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :)
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I would substitute some full stops here and there with commas, but apart from that I like the idea inside the poem, and how you wrote it. :)
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Why thank you ^u^ i always love input
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
I'm glad to hear that. :)
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:D i cant wait. Oh i have a question, you are higher up in Written Revolution right?
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
:giggle: I'm one of the admins, lol, yes. Do you need anything?
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I was wondering, i have a story on my dA that is in parts, i only want to submit the first part, as there are links to the other parts, so if people want to read on they can if they dont, they dont, but is that ok?
Reply
:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
I'm sorry about that, but we don't accept submissions of chapters of novels, even if that's the first. :(
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Even if i dont submit the rest of the story?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmiserylavey:
miseryLaVey Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009   General Artist
First of all - it's an awesome song you've been listening to! And the poem has this very dark feeling to itself, but I wouldn't say it's too dark - it has the right amount of 'darkness' I'd say. It's my personal opinion - but I would consider omitting 1st two lines - they don't seem essential for the whole poem and what follows them is explanatory enough that the question from the beginning is no longer imperative. This is, though, just my very subjective impression.

I really liked the way you ended the poem - the last line has definitely the strongest emotional 'message'.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
wow thank you so much ^u^ and those first two lines were actually from listening to a Beetles Song, "Elenor Rigby" I like music and alot of my stuff is based off of songs that affected my personality, but the song goes (Incase you have not heard it) "I look at all the lonely people" and i just went with that as well as the idea from "The Bird and The Worm" both two good songs about being lonely. so. probably a longer explination then needed, and please dont think me pigheaded for defending my work, i am just explaining why i wrote it the way i wrote it. and that was just because someone told me i need to learn critisim better ^^; ok now that i have sapped your time by making you read this

Thank you for taking the time to read my poem, i am glad you liked it ^u^
Reply
:iconmiserylavey:
miseryLaVey Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009   General Artist
No, actually it's good that you stand for your work, really it's better than the other way around :)
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Well thank you for understanding ^u^ yes this is one of my favorite pieces that i have made so ^^
Reply
:iconitsaki:
itsaki Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
i really liked this one, it sort of makes a connection with me, and I actually feel like a few people you named (I won't say which ones ^^)
but very nice, once again :D
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you i am glad you liked it ^u^
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:iconitsaki:
itsaki Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
^^
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
And thanks for the fave ^^
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:iconitsaki:
itsaki Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome =)
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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:iconthe--nomad:
the--nomad Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
quite sad but true. nice one :)
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
thank you ^^
Reply
:iconarcaneautumn:
ArcaneAutumn Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
This is a pretty deep little piece of poetry... I thought it was beautiful. The only part that got to me was the repetition of "cold"... I don't know why, but redundance always throws me out of my element.

Still, this really reminded me of a lot of people I know's situations. It's sad really. :(
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I know alot of people are stuck in this dark cycle... its sad really
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:icontigertailzlc:
tigertailzlc Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

That was really good. :O

The tone wasn't too dark. Actually, I don't think it was really dark, not in a scary dark kind of way; more like melancholy and depressed.

The last line was great. Don't take it away. xD

The only thing I found a little off was that you sometimes added unnecessary stuff...

"I see the person contemplating suicide with a gun to his head."
Perhaps 'with a gun to his head' would have done the job, without having to add 'contemplating suicide' – it makes it a little redundant.

"I see the nice guy who was waiting for his friend through the cold harsh night./
Freezing himself to death on the bench cold and tired."
"The nice guy" is also kind of redundant, and you say 'cold' twice here. ><

But the last few lines were great. I like how you repeated 'I look at all the lonely people' – it appears at the beginning and at the end, which gives it a nice ring. ^^
Reply
:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
wow thank you so much, um i am glad you liked it

Yea dark to me means meloncoly and sad X3 sorry i am innocent like that

thanks for the input on the last line, that was the only thing i wasnt sure about

The thing was with that line is i didnt want people to think that that "Character" was going to kill himself so i put contimplating so that it didnt seem that this guy was just going to pull the trigger in the next line.

Why i say cold twice is the air is cold, and the bench he is sitting on is cold as well. otherwise it would only be one cold

and thank you i kinda like it when a poem starts and ends the same ^^
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:icondarkgern:
DarkGern Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009
It is a dark message, and a somewhat dark tone is called for.

The ending really nails the message down.

:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Thanks for posting this.
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome ^^ thank you for the input i am glad you liked it
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:iconsabre-toothed-wolf:
sabre-toothed-wolf Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
I like the sudden change in the ending. I think it drives the meaning home
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
So you dont think the dark tone up tell the ending, and then the ending being kinda sweet dosent ruin the poem for you? like its all dark and alone and then the poem changes in the last line to, "And then there is you and me"? *Was really worried about that when i wrote it*
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:iconsabre-toothed-wolf:
sabre-toothed-wolf Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
Oh I think I interpreted it differently than you wrote it. I read it as "And then there was you and me. As in we are the figures in the loneliness. We are the loneliness."
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
O3O... i like that better >.>... we will go with your definition xD
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:iconsabre-toothed-wolf:
sabre-toothed-wolf Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
lol alright. Glad I could help
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
xD well i did write it because i felt alone before i got my girlfriend thats why there is that last line. but yours makes it deep so... we will pretend i am deep xD
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:iconsabre-toothed-wolf:
sabre-toothed-wolf Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
lol alright that works
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:teehee:
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(1 Reply)
:iconshadowthshapeshifter:
ShadowthShapeShifter Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2009  Professional General Artist
I do love this, brings a deep meaning within the writing about how everyone feels lonely somewhere. But it leaves it open enough to think whether or not the person withing the writing thinks themselves alone, or whether he doesn't see their relationship as a happy joining experience. It leaves it open to the interpretation of the reader. Those are the best kinds of writings.
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: awww thank you ^///^
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:iconautumn16solstice:
Autumn16Solstice Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2009
I place my dibs on the loner, though I enjoy being one. :D Amazing.
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks ^^
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:iconprettybaby695:
Prettybaby695 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
That's amazingly deep :P Awesome work :3
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks my friend
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:iconviviblackmyst:
ViviBlackmyst Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Wow, very profound, Aion. I love it, I really do :D

~Vivi :earth:
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thankies vivi ^^
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:iconviviblackmyst:
ViviBlackmyst Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
No prob hun :hug:

~Vivi :earth:
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
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:iconpagan-skater:
pagan-skater Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
i am the one on the bench
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
You are?
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:iconpagan-skater:
pagan-skater Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
yea
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:iconaionthesinner1:
aionthesinner1 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm well i am sorry
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